After love
by Orion6
Summary: ...mourning is always hard, especially when people know not what you mourn for.
1. After Love

Usual Disclaimer: Don't own them, making *no* money, it's all for fun!  
  
Song lyrics taken from 'Say Goodbye' performed by SClub  
  
No copyright infringement intended.  
  
*-*  
  
I could hear the faint sound of my alarm clock going off. It gradually grew stronger and stronger as I drifted awake. Reaching out I shut the damn thing off and opened my eyes to the bright sunlight streaming in through the window. To those already awake, it was a beautiful summer morning. To me...it was just another day. Even in the first moments, before I've even woken fully, the thought stabs my heart. He's not here.   
  
I close my eyes and push the thought from my mind, going about my usual morning routine. I walk down the stairs and grab my bag, ignoring the fresh coffee that's already made, knowing the aroma will bring back the sad memory I'd just managed to squash. I get in my car and begin the long, winding journey to work. Switching on the radio, I lower the volume so that only faint strands of music escape the speakers. For some reason, I have no wish to sing along this morning. Usually, I turn the volume up so loud I'm certain I wake the whole block up. But not today. Today I don't want to hide behind the mask I've perfected over the last year. I don't want to pretend that everything is ok. Today I want to spend the 30 minutes I have, cocooned here in my own private space, dwelling on what might have been.  
  
I often think that just when life seems to be dealing me a fair hand, some higher power decides that 15 minutes of happiness is all I deserve. Suddenly, all bets are off and the chips are being taken from me. I often wish that I'd taken more time to fully appreciate what I once had. To be able to look at something and commit every single detail to memory. I also sometimes wish that I'd had the courage to speak out at the time, I wish I'd confided in someone...anyone. If I had - I wouldn't feel so alone right now. I wouldn't have had to deal with this by myself for so long.   
  
As I pull into the parking lot and show my ID to the guard on the gate, I contemplate the thought that maybe it's better this way. Maybe dealing with this alone was best. Could I have endured the pitying looks I would surely have received? The quietly murmured words of support and kindness that would have left the lips of all who knew me. I park the car and stare out of the window as I turn off the ignition. Memories of the day I found out are as fresh today as when they happened. Hearing the news from other people in passing had been hard. No one had understood why I'd shut myself in the archives that day. No one had commented if they'd noticed how red my eyes were when I'd left that day. But then...many people had reacted that way. Some people had nodded their heads in sympathy as I'd walked out, sharing their grief with another co-worker who was saddened by the events of the day. But whilst the rest of the SGC were mourning the loss of Dr Daniel Jackson - the Brilliant Archaeologist who had made the SGC happen, the courageous member of SG1 who had sacrificed his own life to save a planets entire race. What no one knew...was that I was mourning the loss of Dr Daniel Jackson - wonderful friend and lover.  
  
As I exit the elevator and head to my office, it takes me a while to notice that the people passing me seem happier than usual. People are smiling and whispering excitedly to each other. I frown as my boss says a cheery 'hello' to me as I walk into the Archives Department and watch her retreating back as she leaves. What's going on? I go over to my desk and pick up the files that Jonas asked for and make my way to his office. I quietly observe the SF's and scientists that I pass, trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle that will clue me in to the events of the morning.  
  
I bump into Colonel O'Neill as I near the office.  
  
"Ah...just the person."  
  
I cringe inwardly and smile politely at him. "That sounds ominous..."  
  
"I need to find a report you have stored in the archives. Actually I need to find several..." I sigh softly as I round the corner to the office. "..you see I have to do a presentation on ouch!"  
  
I wince as Colonel O'Neill walks into me and stare helplessly at the sight before me. Somewhere in my brain it registers that Colonel O'Neill is talking to me, but I don't hear his words. I am lost. Lost in the most beautiful blue eyes...eyes I haven't seen in almost a year. He's looking at me, his brow furrowed, as it always used to be when he was trying to figure something out. I can see a hand passing infront of my face and I know whose it is. I turn in an effort to compose myself.  
  
"Sorry Colonel...you were saying?"  
  
"You look a little spaced out...are you ok?"  
  
"Fine. Um...I brought these files up for Jonas. He was working on a translation, but I guess..." My voice trails off as Daniel walks towards me. He extends his hand out and watches me as I gingerly take it.  
  
"Daniel Jackson." He shakes my hand.  
  
"Yes...I know who you are...I used to be your assistant."  
  
"Oh. Well judging by the look of this office...I could certainly use one." He smiles at me. An innocent smile that almost breaks my heart. "You'll have to forgive me. I've lost my memory so I'm afraid I have no idea who you are. What's your name?"  
  
I can feel the tears prick at my eyes and I know I have to get out of here fast. "Natalie. Natalie Carson. I'll...I'll just leave these here...in case you need them." I put the files down on his desk and smile vaguely at him before turning and making a run for it. I walk down the hall with purpose and hardly notice the people ducking out of the way. I make it back to the archives and bury myself in my work. I know that if I stop to think about it, the floodgates will open and I will lose control. And I realize that no matter what happens...no one can know. Because that's how he wanted it and that's the way it must stay.  
  
I wait until everyone has gone home for the night. I turn the archives lights onto their lowest setting and I find the darkest aisle I can and sink to the floor. It seems like hours I sit, staring unseeing at the files on the shelves infront of me. Mission reports. Debriefing reports. Medical reports. I can feel my eyes start to mist over and I know that silent tears are lining my face. He's back. He's alive. And he doesn't remember. Lost in my thoughts I don't hear the door open softly, or the footsteps echo in the archive. Footsteps I'd come to know very well. I don't even notice his presence until his hand touches my shoulder gently.  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
I look up at him and smile sadly. "No. No I'm not. But I will be." I get up and stretch slightly. "What can I do for you?"  
  
His brow is furrowed again and then a look of pain crosses his face. "I remember those words. I remember saying them once..."  
  
I mentally slap myself as I realize just what I said. "Of course...Sha're...how stupid of me..." I walk off down the aisle in an attempt to compose myself. But a firm grip on my arm halts me abruptly.  
  
"How did you know?" His voice is so soft, if I didn't know him as well as I do, I wouldn't have heard his words. I attempt to avoid his gaze until he moves so he's right in front of me, his hand reaches out to tilt my chin upwards, forcing me to meet his eyes. "We knew each other well?"  
  
I sigh softly. "Yes...yes we did."  
  
"Very well?"  
  
"Yes." I move my head off his hand and walk away. I can't do this. I really can't do this.  
  
It had been a gradual thing for us. We'd started out as friends and co-workers, spending long hours in his office together. Him translating the latest artifact and me filing his reports and updating his records. After some time we began to leave the base together, and he'd offer to buy me dinner as an apology for keeping me back late. Over the dinners we talked. We laughed. We found common ground and soon we were getting take out and bringing work out, which we'd do whilst drinking coffee at either of our apartments.   
  
I return to my desk and hope that his curiousity is satisfied. He's not following me which means he's mulling over what I've said. I replace my glasses and continue to work on the report infront of me. I try to ignore those footsteps as they return in my direction, the soft scrapping of the chair as he pulls it towards the desk to sit opposite me. I peer over my glasses at him and he catches my eye.  
  
"Your favourite drink is a Mocha Coconut Frappicino from Starbucks. We used to go there on our way back from work. Your favourite movie is....Galaxy Quest or Down to you...depending on your mood..."  
  
I close my eyes. Partly in relief and partly in fear of where this is leading. My eyes stay closed as I listen to his soft voice.  
  
"Your favourite food is Chinese. Your favourite colour is blue...you always used to say it reminded you of me. Your favourite flower is a white rose. And you love being held whilst you fall asleep. I remember. I remember you and I remember us."  
  
I open my eyes and looking in his, I almost forget that a year has past. I know he remembers. I can see it. I can hear it in his voice. "My favourite colour's not blue anymore." I can feel tears prick at my eyes again and I look away, back to my report in an effort to compose myself.  
  
"It must have been hard for you. Having to hear everything second hand from people, because no one knew about us."  
  
I sigh softly and look up at him again. "At the time it was. I had to read the report to get the full story. Everyone at the SGC mourned you that day. My reaction was no different. People walked around here in a daze for months, unwilling to believe you were gone. But that wasn't the hardest part. The hardest part...was not getting a chance to say goodbye."  
  
"Why didn't you tell anybody?"  
  
"Daniel...we were together for nearly two years. You went through that gate with SG1....you lived the SGC and when it came down to it...you wanted something for yourself. Something you could call your own. I don't blame you for that. It's how you wanted it. It was your wish. I couldn't betray that."  
  
His gaze never left mine as he processed what I'd said and thought about his next choice of words. "I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry you were never given a chance to say goodbye and I'm sorry you went through all this pain."  
  
"You had no choice Daniel. You were dying...and you were made an offer, that the scholar in you couldn't say no to. Given the choices...there was no choice."  
  
"No. No there wasn't. But I chose to come back. And I'm here now. And I love you, that much I do know.""  
  
"You love a memory Daniel. I'm not that person anymore." I can't take this. I have to get out of here before I lose it. I stand up and shut the report, locking it away in the filing cabinet. I grab my bag and look down at him. "Your new assistant will be Sandra. She'll report to your office in the morning. Goodbye Dr Jackson."  
  
I head out the door and hear the hurried scrapping of the chair on the floor as he makes his move after me.  
  
"Goodbye? What...that's it? That's your answer? To walk away?"  
  
I hang my head slightly. "Yes. That's my answer. I can't do this again Daniel. Everytime you walk through that gate, there's the possibility that you'll be injured or worse. And I'll find myself living this whole nightmare over again." I look into his eyes sadly. "I can't live that again. And it doesn't matter how much I love you or how much I missed you. How much I'd like nothing more than to kiss you right now and hear you tell me it's going to be ok. Because it's not ok...and it never will be. I'm sorry."  
  
In the years to come,  
  
Will you think about these moments that we shared.  
  
In the years to come,  
  
Are you going to think it over,  
  
And how we lived each day with no regrets.  
  
Nothing lasts forever though we want it to.,  
  
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you.  
  
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart,  
  
Is the only way for destiny,  
  
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts,  
  
Is the only way now for you and me,  
  
Though it's the hardest thing to say,  
  
I'll miss your love in every way,  
  
So say goodbye, but don't you cry,  
  
Because true love never dies.  
  
In a year from now,  
  
Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said.  
  
In a year from now,  
  
Maybe we'll see each other,  
  
Standing on the same street corner, no regrets.  
  
Each and every hand is always written in the stars,  
  
If only I could stop the world, I'd make this last.  
  
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart,  
  
Is the only way for destiny,  
  
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts,  
  
Is the only way now for you and me,  
  
Though it's the hardest thing to say,  
  
I'll miss your love in every way,  
  
So say goodbye, but don't you cry,  
  
Because true love never dies.  
  
And when you need my arms to run into,  
  
I'll comfort you.  
  
Nothing can ever change the way I feel.  
  
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart,  
  
Is the only way for destiny,  
  
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts,  
  
Is the only way now for you and me,  
  
Though it's the hardest thing to say,  
  
I'll miss your loving every day,  
  
So say goodbye, but don't you cry,  
  
Because baby true love never dies. 


	2. comes hope

Thanks to Wildecat for the review...hope this wets the appetite ;)  
  
Three weeks. Three whole weeks and I haven't seen him. I've avoided him at all costs, deliberately taken the longest route possible in order to avoid walking past his office, I've left my office phone permanently on voice-mail and have dropped the graveyard shift in order to leave base before he returns from missions. I know it sounds childish and in a way it probably is. But you see, if I don't see him...I don't have to deal with all the conflicting emotions that run through me. If I don't hear his voice, it doesn't remind me of those early mornings we used to share before he was fully awake. If I don't see him...I can pretend he's not really there.  
  
But of course, it doesn't work. In the back of my mind I know that I'll have to face him. I know that we need to talk about what has happened. I know that we need to resolve the issues between us and I know that he never gives up that easily. Although I have to admit, it's the longest he's ever given me. Whenever something went wrong in our relationship, he'd always be the one to back off and give me the space I needed. He'd wait for me to approach him, wait for me to make the first move and he'd wait for me to initiate the peace making. Because he knew if he pushed me, and I wasn't ready...he'd lose me.  
  
I put a friendly smile on my face as I walk into Sam's lab.  
  
"Hey Sam."  
  
"Hey. How you doing?"  
  
"Oh fine..." I sit down at the desk infront of her PC and pull out the relevant CD's. "You know...it's a lot of work." I frown as I insert the first CD and begin to upload the new program. "Although it is strange. It's the first time I've worked on a project that results in my job being made obsolete."  
  
Sam smiles as she sits down opposite me. "You should be used to strange occurrences by now. I mean you've worked here for nearly four years now. You've seen it all. Alien invasion, weird devices, gunfire all around the base, people coming back from the dead..."  
  
I look up at her and I know she knows. That last comment was very poignant...too much to just be a coincidence. "He told you then."  
  
"Yes."  
  
I check all the uploaded files and insert the second disk, leaving it to run as I turn my full attention to her. "And?"  
  
"And...I think that the two of you need to talk. He loves you Natalie. He's lost so much over the years, he doesn't want to lose anything else. He doesn't want to lose you." I look down at my finger nails as she carries on talking. "He knows that things are not looking so good at the moment. He knows that it's going to take time to put your relationship back together...and he's not asking for miracles. He just wants a second chance. He wants to make it right."  
  
I suck in my lower lip and chew on it, whilst I consider a polite response. In the end I give up and decide that honesty is the best policy and she may as well get it from me. "Sam...can he take away all the pain I've felt for the last year? Can he, magically wave his finger and erase my memories, of each and every time I awoke from a nightmare reaching for him...to find him not there? Can he make me forget the anger and hatred I felt towards Jonas when he first came here? Can he take back all the nasty things I said to him?"  
  
Sam shook her head softly. "No...of course not."  
  
"Well then he can't make it right. No one can. I'm happy that he's back. I'm happy that he's safe and he's back with the people who love him. But as much as I still love him and as much as I long to be able to throw my arms around him and welcome him back. It's not that easy. I can't forget all the pain Sam. I don't think I ever will be able to."  
  
I took out the second disk and uploaded the remaining files. I was aware of her gaze on me and I knew she was only trying to help, but it infuriated me that Daniel had chosen now to inform his team of what was going on. "If you had a second chance Natalie, if you were able to go back and change anything...would you?"  
  
I pick up the disks and get up out of the chair. "Yes. Yes I would." I walk over to the door and turn to look at her. "I would never have dated him."  
  
I walk briskly down the hall to my final destination. The office I'd been avoiding for the past three weeks, the one I'd left until last. After this, Aurora would be installed on every PC on the base, my job would be obsolete and tomorrow would be a new day. I take a deep breath and walk in, stopping abruptly when I take in the state of the office. Sandy is sat in the middle of the floor, books and broken artifacts all around her. She's sobbing quietly as she attempts to pile some of the books together.  
  
"Sandy? What happened?"  
  
She looks up, a grim expression on her face and tears still tracking down her checks. My heart goes out to her. She looks so distressed and so annoyed. "Dr Jackson doesn't seem to think I'm doing my job well enough. He constantly compares me to you, moans about my filing and insinuates that I'd be better off as a janitor."  
  
I can feel my own anger begin to boil inside me but I know better than to take it out on the wrong person. "I tell you what. You go and get a cup of coffee, take a few hours off...and I'll sort this mess out. I have to upload Aurora anyway, so I can tidy the office whilst I'm waiting." I help her off the floor and gently push her out of the door. Once she's gone, I insert the first disk into the PC and gather the books together, cross-referencing them as I go.  
  
As I place the last books on the shelves I know he's standing in the doorway. I didn't hear him approach and he hasn't said anything. But I can smell the faint aroma of his aftershave and the coffee that he's holding. "You know...it's not her fault."  
  
"I know."  
  
"So why did you lose your temper with her?"  
  
"I'm just...I'm a little frustrated at the moment..."  
  
",,,so take it out on the person you're frustrated with!"  
  
"They've been avoiding me."  
  
"They're here now." I turn and face him. "Say what you want. I don't work here as of tomorrow...nothing you can say to me will change anything."  
  
"Really? Because you know, I thought that was the whole point of this little exercise. I thought this was all about the secret Natalie."  
  
"That's not what this is about Daniel. You can't just walk in here, over a year after you died and expect me to pick up where we left off."  
  
"I don't expect to Natalie." He moves forward and sits down on the edge of his desk and I finish uploading the new software to his computer. "But I know it's not about that. I know that something else is bothering you. Something you're too scared to let go of."  
  
"Don't push me Daniel." I can feel the anger building up inside me as he pushes all the buttons he's knows will make me talk.  
  
"Why don't you just say it." His voice is eerily calm. "Why don't you just tell me what's bothering you the most?"  
  
"Don't make me say it Daniel."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you damn well know what this is about." I stare at him, knowing he can see the anger and the hurt in my eyes. I look at him and I know I don't need to say it. I know that he realizes what the problem really is and that this isn't about me telling him. It's about me facing it.  
  
"I didn't have a choice Natalie."  
  
And that was the final button. "You. Had. A. Choice. Daniel! You were dying. Before Oma swept in and offered you a choice - death was the only option. You made a conscious decision to leave me out of your dying moments. You made the choice to deny me the chance to say goodbye. You left me not knowing what had happened, not knowing that you were ok, not giving me the opportunity to grieve, to talk to anyone....it could have been so different. I didn't need to be excluded and I didn't need to go through all that pain. You did that Daniel...that was your choice. And I don't think I can ever forgive you for that."  
  
He holds my gaze, without blinking, without looking away. "What I did was wrong. But I can't go back and change that now. All I know is that we have to get through this together. All we're doing at the moment is hurting each other more."  
  
I close my eyes in frustration, because although my head is adamant in it's response, I know my heart will not allow me to follow it. He's right of course. Instead of trying to help each other through a ridiculously unbelievable situation, all we're doing is pushing each other away. But the problem is I don't know where to draw the line anymore. SG1 was always Daniel's first priority. When a mission went bad and he was late home, I knew he'd be at Jack's with a bottle of beer and I knew he wouldn't come back until the morning. His team mates always came first and again it was something that I accepted. Although looking back, maybe that was a big mistake on my part as well. I sigh heavily and open my eyes. "I don't think we can come back from this. I don't think there is anyway to..."  
  
"...make up for something I've done wrong." Despite myself I smile. I already know he said this to Sam when they found him. She said she thought he was subconsciously referring to his interference in the fight against Anubis. At the time, I agreed with her. Now...now I'm not so sure. I can see it in his eyes right now. The regret, the pain, the love, the hate...so many emotions running through his mind. Many of them I am sure we share.  
  
I stand up slowly. "You lost my trust that day Daniel...something I never thought I'd say to you. It will take time to rebuild that trust...and time is something you don't have. But I want you to know that I'll always love you, I just..." I hear my voice begin to tremble and I know that in a few more minutes it will all be over. "...I can't let you in again. I can't go through that again. I can't lose you again...and I know you can't promise me it will never happen again." Tears start to fall as he pulls me into his arms and holds me close.  
  
"No...I can't. But I can promise you that I will never shut you out again. I can promise you that I will include you in all I do and consider your needs as much as mine. And I can promise you..." I hear his breath catch in his throat and I feel a gentle kiss on my head. "...I can promise you that I will love you as long as I live...and beyond."  
  
"And then what Daniel? What comes after love?" I mumble softly against his chest.  
  
I feel his smile on my forehead. "After love? After love...comes hope." 


End file.
